It has been so many years that I stopped writing on this blog but I think it is a good time to start writing again. So what has changed since I last wrote? hmmm....I have been working for the last five years, I have grown old like everyone else and I think the biggest change has been that I'm married. Life has changed and it is still beautiful amidst everything that is happening around.
We all know that we are under lockdown and many of us have started taking online courses, some have started a new hobby and some have even started making plans to start a new business. How productive I must say! I'm also one of you who tried doing an online course, started playing badminton so that I do not gain more weight sitting at home eating random things. But have you ever wondered about people who do cannot do all these things? I had a conversation with two of my best friends and we were discussing a post that we read online which said if you haven't learned a skill or doing something productive during this lockdown then you're lazy. Is that really so? I and few of my friends have gone through depression and do you how everyday feels? Tiring and draining. You don't want to talk to people, you don't want to be productive everyday and then there are hundreds of thoughts and worries that you carry which just pushes you down. So to say be productive and have a time where you do so much, just seems too much.
So I would like to take you back to my school days, I went through depression. I would get up each day morning and feel more drained than the previous day. I wished that I could just stay on my bed and sleep but Indian parents when will they ever allow you to be on your own? I realized years later in life that the depression I went through was the culmination of all the things I had gone through since my childhood. To sum it all, it was because of the way people had treated me since my childhood. I was called a dark, fat and useless person who could never do anything in life. All these perceptions from people that I began believing took me years to come out of it (I still have a long way to go). The image that I saw in the mirror was the one that others believed I was and they were all lies. After realizing who I am, I spent a long time proving those people that they were wrong. To tell you the truth it is not worth it.
I tried writing a poem to put down how it was like:
The times that I spent in the nights
where tears were my comfort
and just had a pillow which gave me hugs
Where people could not understand my heart
that a child was wanting some love
No one understood the pain,
the hurts that people gave
It took years for that pain to heal
but the memories still haunt
the child which longed for love.
So, all that I would like to tell you all is that it is alright if you are unable to be productive everyday due to all that you are going through. I would just say stay strong and be safe because you know who you really are - a warrior who is fighting many battles within.
We all know that we are under lockdown and many of us have started taking online courses, some have started a new hobby and some have even started making plans to start a new business. How productive I must say! I'm also one of you who tried doing an online course, started playing badminton so that I do not gain more weight sitting at home eating random things. But have you ever wondered about people who do cannot do all these things? I had a conversation with two of my best friends and we were discussing a post that we read online which said if you haven't learned a skill or doing something productive during this lockdown then you're lazy. Is that really so? I and few of my friends have gone through depression and do you how everyday feels? Tiring and draining. You don't want to talk to people, you don't want to be productive everyday and then there are hundreds of thoughts and worries that you carry which just pushes you down. So to say be productive and have a time where you do so much, just seems too much.
So I would like to take you back to my school days, I went through depression. I would get up each day morning and feel more drained than the previous day. I wished that I could just stay on my bed and sleep but Indian parents when will they ever allow you to be on your own? I realized years later in life that the depression I went through was the culmination of all the things I had gone through since my childhood. To sum it all, it was because of the way people had treated me since my childhood. I was called a dark, fat and useless person who could never do anything in life. All these perceptions from people that I began believing took me years to come out of it (I still have a long way to go). The image that I saw in the mirror was the one that others believed I was and they were all lies. After realizing who I am, I spent a long time proving those people that they were wrong. To tell you the truth it is not worth it.
I tried writing a poem to put down how it was like:
The times that I spent in the nights
where tears were my comfort
and just had a pillow which gave me hugs
Where people could not understand my heart
that a child was wanting some love
No one understood the pain,
the hurts that people gave
It took years for that pain to heal
but the memories still haunt
the child which longed for love.
So, all that I would like to tell you all is that it is alright if you are unable to be productive everyday due to all that you are going through. I would just say stay strong and be safe because you know who you really are - a warrior who is fighting many battles within.
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